Never Let Me Go
by heartsracing
Summary: Kurt's death has haunted Blaine for three months. He is forced to go talk to a counselor, whom he finds himself bonding with. Blaine realizes that maybe, just maybe, he's fixable
1. Forever

"Blaine, it's been three months."

"Blaine, you need to move on."

"Blaine, this isn't healthy."

"Blaine, Kurt wouldn't have wanted this for you."

"Blaine, you have to let him go."

It was always the last one that got him. He couldn't just _let_ Kurt go. Kurt was everything to him. It had been three months since the accident but he still felt as empty as the day he found out about the crash.

* * *

At 18, Blaine Anderson felt like he had lost everything.

Sunday afternoon.

That was when it happened.

3:48 on a sunny day in Ohio.

Precisely.

Kurt had bid goodbye to Blaine a few minutes ago and was on his way back home. The Smiths was playing on the radio and he was trying to savor the taste of Blaine on his lips. He had gone to Blaine's house with the purpose of studying but all discipline flew out the window when Blaine started nipping his earlobe whilst he was reading about Thomas Becket.

Kurt smiled softly to himself as his mind went back to the two of them cuddling on Blaine's bed. Blaine had his arms wrapped tightly around Kurt and was nuzzling into his neck. Kurt had felt so happy that he was quite sure his heart was smiling.

He turned right and yelped as a speeding car flew towards him. He swerved quickly and let out a sigh of relief as the vehicle rushed past him. He was already spinning out what he was going to tell Blaine about his near death experience and how they both really had to stop holding make out sessions when Kurt was meant to be studying.

Kurt could already see Blaine's pout at Kurt's future words and chuckled. What Kurt didn't see was the truck coming behind him driven by a man who was too drunk to focus on the Navigator in front of him. The man who wasn't aware that the Navigator was driven by a young boy so full of love who would soon break the heart of another young boy who would hear the news about the accident on television whilst eating dinner with his parents, a boy who would rush to the hospital and hold the one who he had given everything to through his last breath.

* * *

"Blaine, I'm taking you to see a counselor."

"I don't need one."

"Yes you bloody well do.

"I'm fine."

"It's been eight months."

"Well aware of that."

"All you do is go to school, go through classes like a zombie and acknowledge none of your friends, come back home and hide in your room."

"And what's the problem with that?"

"Look. I know Kurt's death scarred you. It scarred all of us-"

"You don't care about him."

"I do-"

"Then why did you never show it? You could've come to our performance for West Side Story, or tuned in to see our duet on television during Christmas. You could've said a simple hello when he came over. You could've treated him well but all you gave him was crap and silence. So no, you don't care about him. Don't even get me started on Father."

"Okay, fair enough. I didn't treat him well and I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to him.

"Please Blaine. Please go talk to someone. I hear you at night, talking to someone, talking to Kurt."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Just one meeting Blaine. Please."

"Fine."

* * *

"She wants me to talk to someone."

"A counselor?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because she thinks I'm mental, like there's something wrong with me. She thinks that ever since you died, I've become this alien to her who's taken away her son."

No reply was given, except for a sympathetic smile.

"You do know that I love you right?"

"I know. I love you too."

Blaine lifted his hand to cup his cheek, "Kurt, do you remember when you said we'll be together forever?"

"Of course."

"Did you mean it?"

"I mean everything I say to you."

Blaine sighed as he felt Kurt's lips press against his palm.

"Stay in my arms if you dare," Blaine sang softly.

"Or must I imagine you there."

"Don't walk away from me."

"I have nothing, nothing,"

"If I don't have you," Blaine whispered, letting himself get lost in the sea blue eyes that have haunted him for the past three months.

* * *

"Hello Blaine, take a seat."

Blaine sat.

"I'm Amanda Reeves, nice to meet you."

Blaine was silent.

"Just one meeting right?"

Blaine nodded.

"I heard about the accident."

"Who hasn't?"

"I'm so sorry."

"It's fine."

"Three months, right?"

"Three months, a week and four days."

"Do you miss him?"

"Every day. He's still here though."

"Blaine, Kurt is dead. You have to accept that."

"Hush, he can hear you."

"Where is he at the moment?"

Blaine lifted his hand and held it to his heart.

* * *

Sometimes before Blaine went to sleep, he would think of past memories with Kurt. It was usually one of the two of them last summer on the beach. The sun was warm on their backs as they bathed in the sunlight, legs buried in the sand.

Blaine had picked up a handful of seashells and had outlined Kurt's figure with them. Kurt had laughed, rolling his eyes with affection. They built a sandcastle together and Kurt had written the words "Our Castle of Forever" around it.

They had gone swimming in the ocean despite Kurt's protests that the salt water would damage his pores. They dived to the bottom, letting small fish swim around their fingers and pretended to be famous explorers diving for treasure. Blaine acted like a mermaid for a few minutes for Kurt's amusement, causing Kurt to have to surface because he was laughing so hard.

They lay on the sand, letting the rays of the sun dry their legs. They smelt of salt and sand and wind. They shared long lazy kisses, tangling their arms and legs together, enjoying the feeling of skin against skin.

Afterwards, Kurt found a conch and brought it back home, smiling as he held his ear to it. "Now I can visit the beach any time I want," he had said to Blaine on the ride back, tracing the hard shell of the conch lightly.

* * *

"He meant a lot to you, didn't he?"

"He meant everything to me."

"But you can't hold on to him forever."

"We said forever."

"Forever's an awfully long time."

"I know but I'm willing to spend it with him."

"Let him go."

"I've tried. It's not easy."

"It's never going to be. But you need to carry on living Blaine."

"What's the point?"

Amanda sighed.

"I know you're trying to help me. But you can't. I'm unfixable."

"Don't say that."

"It's the truth."

"Can I see you again next week?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not exactly."

"See you on Tuesday."


	2. Chances

Author's note:  
_Things in italic = _Flashbacks, past experiences from episodes.  
_**Things in bold italic** =_ Blaine's thoughts during the past experience  
Things in normal font = Present tense

* * *

"Welcome back."

"I don't feel very 'welcomed'."

"I'm welcoming you. I like having you around."

"You've only met me once."

"It was an enjoyable once."

"What are we going to talk about?"

"How did you and Kurt meet?"

"It's a long story."

"I have time."

* * *

_Blaine always reflected on the first time he met Kurt. It was all by chance. If he hadn't been walking down the staircase the time Kurt was, they never would've met. Kurt would've chosen to stop someone else instead of Blaine. _

_But Blaine just happened to be walking by Kurt at that time, and Kurt happened to stop him. _

_Blaine could remember it was 2:27 when Kurt stopped him in Dalton Academy. He had been staring at his stopwatch, wondering if Wes would murder him since he was two minutes late for the Warblers performance. It was Teenage Dream this time, one of Blaine's favorite songs, and he had the solo. _

"_Oh, excuse me." _

_Those were the first three words he heard from Kurt's lips. _

_He remembered turning around to be floored by the most stunning boy he had ever laid eyes on. His hair was perfectly coiffed, his skin a flawless peach and he carried a nervous smile. _

"_Um, hi, can I ask you a question? I'm new here." _

"_My name's Blaine."_

_He reached his hand out to shake Kurt's. Their hands met. _

_Sparks. _

"_Kurt." _

_He thought it was the most wonderful name in the world. _

"_So what exactly is going on?" _

_He told Kurt about the Warblers and Kurt widened his eyes in disbelief at the new information. _

"_Come on, I know a shortcut." _

_Blaine took Kurt's hand again. _

_More sparks. _

_As they ran down the secret corridor that Jeff had shown him last week, everything seemed to slow down, as if they were in some cliché romantic comedy. _

_That day, he sang Teenage Dream for Kurt. _

_That day, he fell in love with the man who would change his life forever._

* * *

"That's really sweet."

Blaine managed a small smile.

"What happened afterwards?"

"You sound interested."

"He sounds cute."

"He was the most wonderful person in the entire world."

* * *

_When David mentioned the zero tolerance harassment policy, Blaine immediately noticed the fact that Kurt's eyes became unfocused and he inhaled sharply. He looked like he was going to cry. _

"_Would you guys excuse us?" _

_Blaine remembered not knowing why he requested that. There was just something about Kurt that drew Blaine towards him. He wanted to know more about this so called "spy" that wasn't exactly doing any spying at all. _

"_I take it you're having trouble at school."_

"_I'm the only person out of the closet at my school and I try and stay strong about it, but there's this Neanderthal who's made it his mission to make my life a living hell and nobody seems to notice." _

_**There are people who would hurt this incredible boy? **_

_Then Blaine found himself talking about his life to this complete stranger who he knew nothing about and it was as if the words flowed out of his mouth just like that. _

"_So you have two options. I mean I'd love to tell you to just come enroll here."_

_**Please do.**_

"_But tuition here is sort of steep and I know it's not an option for everyone." _

_**But please do. **_

"_Or you could refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt, and you have a chance right now to teach them."_

"_How?"_

"_Confront them. Call them out. I ran, Kurt. I didn't stand up. I let bullies chase me away and it's something that I really, really regret."_

_Kurt smiled tentatively, "I'll give it a shot." _

_Blaine reached into his pocket for his cellphone, "Can I have your number?" _

_Kurt seemed taken aback by the question but blushed, "Sure." _

_They switched mobiles and snapped pictures of each other for their contacts. _

"_So will I see you again?" _

"_I hope so."_

* * *

"What happened with that Neanderthal?"

"Karofsky. He gave Kurt a hard time one day, force kissed him in the locker room, and I went over to Kurt's school to talk to the guy. Eventually he walked away."

"But he came back didn't he?"

"How did you know?"

"Always happens."

"He got suspended but the school board didn't expel him. When Kurt heard the news that Karofsky was coming back, he transferred to Dalton."

"That must've made you happy."

"It did. But I decided that I would only act as a mentor to Kurt."

"Why's that?"

"Seeing him, after Karofsky left, just made the decision for me. He looked so broken and scared. I wanted to help him, not complicate things further."

He could hear Kurt whisper an "Oh be quiet, you didn't complicate things at all," into his ear. Blaine bit back a smile.

"You're a good man."

"I'd like to think so."

* * *

_Blaine thought back to the first time he heard Kurt sing. It was during auditions for a solo for sectionals and he had sung Don't Cry for Me Argentina. It was a personal favorite of his, but he was sure the council would disapprove. _

_Kurt had a hauntingly beautiful voice. It was angelic and pure, as if a bunch of songbirds had joined together to weave a complicated melody of notes. Blaine had to stop himself from smiling throughout the entire song. He was quite sure he would be perfectly content listening to Kurt sing forever. _

_When he had to inform those who auditioned the names of the people who got in, he literally had to force himself not to say Kurt's name. It wasn't fair. Kurt's solo was breathtaking in every single way. _

"_Any stage advice?"_

_Kurt's tight lipped smile almost tore Blaine's heart in two._

"_Don't try so hard next time."_

_**You were absolutely perfect.**_

"_I didn't realize that caring was frowned upon."_

_**Not by me.**_

"_I don't know how it worked at your old school but did you notice that we all wear uniforms around here? It's all about being part of the team."_

_**I'm perfectly content with seeing you without the uniform though.**_

"_I guess I'm just used to having to scream to get noticed."_

_**I noticed you.**_

"_You're not going to make it as a Warbler if all you care about is getting noticed."_

"_You're right. I'm sorry."_

_**Don't be.**_

"_I know it's going to take some getting used to, but you'll fit in soon enough. I promise." _

_Blaine's heart swooped when Kurt smiled at his words._

* * *

"I told her about how we met."

"I thought you were only going once."

"I didn't have a choice. But she's nice, you'd like her."

"I know I would. What's her name?"

"Amanda."

"Seyfried?"

"No, Bynes."

Kurt laughed.

"I miss you so much."

"Shh, I'm right here."

"I know."

Blaine wrapped his arms around the boy who continued to break his heart and heal it at the same time.


	3. Hollow

"Merry Christmas, Blaine."

"Christmas is in a few days."

"I'm not seeing you until next week, so for now, Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you, Amanda."

"This is our third session."

"Fascinating."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"You're the counselor."

"True."

"So?"

"You still haven't answered the question."

"I don't know."

"Exams are soon aren't they?"

"Unfortunately."

"Nervous?"

"I'm okay. I studied, but not as much as Kurt did when he was at Dalton."

"Did he study a lot?"

"Loads, I literally had to bring a boom box over to him and say I was Marley's ghost who was telling him to stop studying."

"This is a story I'd like to hear."

"It's Christmas themed as well."

"Brilliant."

* * *

"_What's with the boom box?"_

"_I need you to sing with me."_

_**Well that came out wrong.**_

"_Well, rehearse with me."_

_**Good save.**_

"_I got a gig singing Baby Its Cold Outside at the King's Island Christmas Spectacular."_

"_Ah, a personal favorite." _

_**This song is going on repeat for the rest of Christmas.**_

"_Too bad they never let us sing together."_

_**What. **_

"_I mean as two artists." _

_**Oh.**_

"_So are you going to help me out here?"_

"_Anything to get me to stop reading about Charlemagne."_

"_Very good then." _

_As the starting notes of the song filled the room, Blaine spun around gently, snapping his fingers and gesturing at Kurt to begin singing. _

_The two began flirting shamelessly, Kurt walking around with his hands behind his back and a coy smile on his face while Blaine playfully chased him around. Both of their voices wove together perfectly and Blaine couldn't help thinking that everything seemed right. _

_Once they were done, they collapsed onto the plush sofa, smiling giddily at each other then turning away. Blaine felt like he was soaring. _

"_I think you're ready."_

_**Thanks to you.**_

"_Well for the record, you are much better than that girl's going to be."_

_**Way to open your big mouth Mr Anderson.**_

* * *

"You two must've sounded incredible."

"We did. It was our first duet together."

"The start of something new."

Blaine didn't know how to reply.

"I'm going to let you out early."

"Why?"

"Firstly, we're having a decent conversation now, which is what I call progress."

"Hurrah."

"Secondly, it's Christmas. Go out there and enjoy yourself, have a snowball fight with some friends."

"I don't have friends."

"Everybody has friends."

"I don't."

"But you go to school right?"

"Yes, but I don't have any friends there."

"When Kurt was alive, did you have friends?"

"I suppose."

"So what happened?"

"Life."

"Life won't stop you from having friends."

"That's what you say."

"Do you want to talk about this next week?"

"It's not something to be discussed really."

"I'm surprised. You usually have so much to say."

"You force me to say what I say most of the time."

Amanda cracked a smile.

"But the topic of 'friends' isn't a big deal to me."

"It is to me."

"That's because you're my counselor."

"I'm not letting this slide."

* * *

To be honest, Blaine had plenty of friends before the accident. He had been the lead singer of the Warblers and was an important member of the Dalton council. He was close to all the Warblers and they were like his second family.

He was particularly close to Wes and Nick. After the crash, they were two of the few people who were truly there for Blaine when he needed them. They sat by him in the hospital as Blaine waited to be let inside Kurt's room, shaking with fear. They picked him up when they found him slumped in a bar, trying to drown his depression away. They burst the bathroom door open when they picked up their phones and both received texts form Blaine which carried the words _I can't do it anymore_ and saved him just in time.

But Blaine had slowly pushed them away. He cut himself off the people around him and bottled up his feelings. He ignored Wes and Nick's phone calls and whenever one of them came over to his house, he simply didn't speak and stared out the window. Yet they still came occasionally, leaving a tin of cookies that would remain untouched or simply giving him a hug, even though it was never returned.

His classmates at McKinley worried about him, but he brushed them off like he did with Wes and Nick. He received many worried glances from Rachel and Mr Shue but he didn't speak to them. He quit Glee club, deciding to sit by himself in the far corner of the lunch room. Mike and Tina came over every day for two weeks to try and talk him out of it, but Blaine didn't move. Eventually they gave up but a few members of the Glee club gave him a pat on the shoulder or a graze of a fingertip once in a while.

Blaine had lost his spark. He was nothing, a cold empty shell of his former self. He rarely smiled and hadn't laughed properly since the accident. He had forgotten how to be happy.

* * *

"Hey, I got you something."

"You didn't have to."

"Shush Kurt."

Blaine took the carefully wrapped present from his drawer and gave it to Kurt.

"Oh," Kurt gasped as he touched the soft red scarf that Blaine had bought him.

"It's to keep you warm during the winter, when I'm not there to hold you. There's something else underneath."

Kurt took the scarf out to find an untouched copy of The Horrors' "Skying".

"I know how much you love the band. It's their new album."

Blaine saw the tears fall down Kurt's cheeks, "If you don't like the presents, I can return them."

"You idiot, I love them," Kurt said, hugging Blaine tightly. His tears fell on Blaine's sweater but left no stains on the fabric.

* * *

"Blaine, can you turn the music down?"

"It's not that loud."

"Look sweetie, I'm glad you're finally listening to some music but I can hear it all the way from the kitchen."

"Sorry."

"Is this a new band? I've never heard you play them before."

"It's Kurt's favorite band. I bought him the album for Christmas."

"Kurt is-"

"I bought him a red scarf as well, it compliments his skin tone. He always says that his clothes must either match his eyes, flatter his figure or compliment his skin tone."

"Kurt isn't here."

"He was sitting right beside me but he's gone now."

"Yes, he is _gone_ Blaine. He's dead."

"He's not dead. He just disappeared, floated away. But he'll be back tomorrow."

"Kurt is dead."

"No he is not."

"He is. You were at the hospital when the heart monitor stopped. You were at the funeral. You saw them lower the coffin into the grou-"

"HE IS NOT FUCKING DEAD."

"You're right, I can't see him. I don't think I can see anything anymore. I'm taking you to see the counselor again tomorrow."

"I just went today."

"I don't care, you're going tomorrow."

"To Amanda right?"

"Yes. You like her?"

"She's the only one who treats me like I'm normal."


	4. After

"Back so soon?"

"I was forced."

"By?"

"My mother."

"What did she do?"

"She-"

"Hello, I'm Marian Anderson, Blaine's mother. You're Amanda right?"

"Amanda Reeves, yes. What seems to be the problem?"

"Blaine seems to have these, um, hallucinations."

"They're not halluci-"

"Hush, Blaine."

"Hallucinations? What about?"

"Kurt."

"I see."

"He goes on about how he bought Kurt an album and a scarf for Christmas and how he was sitting right beside him even though I didn't hear any other voices besides Blaine."

"So Blaine was talking to himself?"

"Well, yes-"

"He was sitting right next to me. You just couldn't see him because he left before you came in the room."

"Blaine, he was in a car crash. He died. He was not in your room. He was just a figment of your imagination."

"But I-"

"Kurt is gone! How many times do I have to say it so that you can face the truth?"

"CAN YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE?"

Marian Anderson fell silent.

"Blaine, calm down."

"Kurt isn't dead."

"Okay Blaine. I understand."

"No you don't. Nobody does. He is not dead."

And with that, he ran out the door and into the street, barely scraping by a passing car.

He wished it hit him.

Then he wouldn't have to feel anything anymore.

* * *

"Kurt? Kurt!"

"Blaine, I'm here."

"Why did you leave me?"

"I'm sorry."

"My mother thinks there's something wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you. You're perfect."

"You're the only one that thinks that."

"Everyone else is too blind to see."

Blaine closed his eyes and Kurt pressed his lips to his eyelashes.

"Kurt, everyone keeps saying that I'm imagining you."

"Are they?"

"But you are real, right?"

"I'll be as real as you want me to be."

Blaine laced his fingers with Kurt's and pressed it to his chest.

"So where's your mom right now?"

"Probably discussing my _issues _with the counselor."

"She just cares about you."

"Nobody cares about me."

"I do, and what I heard from you about Amanda, she does as well."

"I should go back shouldn't I?"

"Back to the counselor?"

"I can't go back there. Not after when I just stormed out."

"Fair enough. Home then?"

"Home."

* * *

_That was officially the most disastrous attempt he had made at trying to woo someone, ever. _

"_I can't believe I made it all up in my head," Blaine scoffed as he glared at the many Valentine decorations in the Lima Bean Café. _

"_Okay, can I ask you something, because we've always been completely honest with each other? You and I, we hang out, we sing flirty duets together, you know my coffee order, was I supposed to think that was nothing?" _

_**Is he going where I think he's going? **_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I thought the guy you wanted to ask out on Valentine's Day was me." _

_**Well, this is new information. **_

_**Oh shit. **_

_**Does that mean he likes me? **_

_**But I can't be with him. **_

_**Not yet, not when he's still trying to get over what happened with Karofsky. **_

_**I can't screw it up with him, not like I did with Jeremiah, because Kurt doesn't deserve a screw up. **_

_**He deserves much more than that. **_

_**But how did I not notice?**_

"_Wow, I really am clueless." _

_Kurt didn't reply. _

_"Look, Kurt. I don't know what I'm doing. I pretend like I do and I know how to act it out in song, but the truth is, I've never really been anyone's boyfriend." _

"_Me neither."_

_**How? **_

"_Let me be really clear about something. I really, really care about you. But as you and about twenty mortified shoppers saw, I'm not very good at romance. I don't want to screw this up." _

"_So it's just like When Harry Met Sally, except I get to play Meg Ryan." _

_**Can you be any more perfect?**_

"_Deal."_

_**Wait, When Harry Met Sally, how did that movie end? **_

_**Oh. **_

"_Don't they get together in the end?" _

_**That smile.**_

"_Can I get a non-fat mocha and a medium drip for my friend Billy Crystal?"_

_**He knows my coffee order. **_

_Blaine felt butterflies._

* * *

"Blaine, oh god, there you are. I've been looking for you everywhere! It was extremely rude of you to just storm out of Annie's office just like that-"

"It's Amanda. Not Annie."

"Amanda, right, but Blaine, if you ever want to get better then you have to listen to what she has to say and not just leave the room."

"You're saying that like there's something wrong with me."

"There _is_ something wrong with you. You say you're talking to your dead, very dead, boyfriend but I never see anyone beside you. You have completely cut yourself off from all your friends and everyone else around you. You're not eating well and-"

"But my grades are fine."

"Only because all you do is hole up in your room and study and ignore all the phone calls. Your teacher talked to me. You never speak in class and neglect your friends' efforts in trying to talk to you."

Blaine's eyes turned to the ground.

"I miss you Blaine. Not this you, the old you; the one who sang Katy Perry songs in the shower, the one who brought classmates home to play ungodly video games and eat popcorn, the one who had this incredible _spark_. And I'm sure if Kurt was still alive, he would miss you too."

* * *

It wasn't that Blaine was suicidal, for lack of a better term. It was just that he felt like there was no point in living anymore.

Kurt had been such a large part of his life. It was his smile Blaine saw in his mind when he woke up in the morning with the warm rays of the sun streaming in through the crack in his curtains that Kurt had picked out for him. It was his voice that Blaine replayed in his head when he couldn't sleep, it was Kurt's whispered "I love you" that helped give Blaine sweet dreams at night.

But Kurt's gone now and all Blaine's left with is the vanishing feel of Kurt's lips against his and his voice replaying in his mind and his hands falling against nothing.

And Blaine misses Kurt. He misses Kurt every day.

He doesn't think he'll ever stop missing Kurt.


	5. Father

"I was going to marry him."

"Who?"

"Kurt."

Amanda's eyes filled with pity and Blaine felt his stomach twist into knots.

"I was going to propose to him the week after he died. He would go to Cetto, a fancy Italian restaurant, with his parents. I have some friends there so they helped me out. I was going to dress up as a waiter and serve the 'desert', which would actually be the ring in a black velvet box on a plate. Then I would've proposed."

"Oh Blaine."

Blaine looked at the ground, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill.

"Blaine? Are you okay?"

'I thought I was going to spend forever with him. I thought that we were going to get married and go to New York and live in a crappy apartment in New York with cream stripes on the walls and we would fight over what couch to put in the sitting room. I thought that we would raise a family, adopt a little girl and maybe name her Jessica. I thought that we would grow old together and have tons of grandchildren and die, together, the way we were meant to."

"Did your parents give their blessings?"

"My mother sort of did but my father, not so much."

"You never bring him up."

"There's a reason."

"He loves you Blaine."

"Bullshit."

"I've never seen him around."

"That's because he doesn't care at all. He thinks my sexuality is a "disease" and that I'm not his little boy anymore. I'm some depressed fuck-up that still can't get over the death of his boyfriend."

"Blaine, are you crying?"

* * *

The instant Blaine announced he was gay; Phillip Anderson cut his son off from his life. He nodded to Blaine in the morning, grunted when shown Blaine's perfect report card and pretended to read the newspaper whenever Blaine tried to approach him.

Phillip didn't show up to any of Blaine's performances. He didn't speak when Blaine brought Kurt to his house for the first time. He inhaled sharply when he saw Blaine give Kurt a goodbye kiss on the porch. He ignored Blaine's constant side glances towards him in the hospital when he had to have eye surgery when he got injured to protect Kurt.

But when Blaine said he was going to propose to Kurt, Phillip Anderson finally released all the feelings he had kept bottled up for years.

"_No, I will not allow you to marry that boy." _

"_Why? You barely even know him."_

"_Blaine, marrying him is going to ruin your life. You're still so young." _

"_I love him."_

"_No you don't."_

"_Father, this is the first time we've had a proper conversation in months and you're telling me to give up on the person I love." _

"_You. Don't. Love. Him." _

"_You don't know how I feel about him."_

"_I bloody well do. I see the way you light up when you open the door and he's standing there. Don't think I can't hear the two of you in your room. It disgusts me. You're throwing your life away for this boy." _

"_Do you know something Dad? I don't think its Kurt himself that bothers you. I think it's the whole idea of me being gay and it's been bothering you for the past few years, ever since I came out. I'm not going to come home with some skinny blond in the cheerleading squad and fucking deal with the fact that I am very much in love with Kurt." _

The look he got from his father chilled Blaine to the bone.

_**Oh my god, I've become a stranger to my Father.**_

* * *

It's not like Blaine wasn't a stranger to attempting to turn heterosexual. But the after math of Spin the Bottle at Rachel's party pretty much made him give up whatever chance he had of turning straight.

"_When we kissed, it felt good." _

"_It felt good because you were drunk." _

"_What's the harm on going out on one little crummy date."_

_**It would most certainly please my Father. **_

"_You're gay Blaine."_

_**Sometimes I wish I wasn't.**_

"_I thought it was but I never even had a boyfriend before." _

"_I can't believe I'm hearing this." _

"_Maybe I'm bi, I don't know." _

"_Bisexual is the term gay guys use when they hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change." _

_**It's also the term my Father wish I was and what I'm trying to turn in to but it's pretty hard due to the fact that I'm quite sure I'm in love with you. **_

"_Why are you so angry?" _

"_Because I look up to you; I admire how proud you are of who you are." _

_**I'm not proud. **_

"_I know what it's like to be in the closet and here you are about to tiptoe back in." _

"_Look, I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings or your pride or whatever, but however confusing it might be for you, it's actually a lot more confusing for me. You're 100% sure of who you are. Fantastic! Well, maybe we all can't be so lucky."_

"_I've had a lot of luck Blaine, I was really lucky to be chased out of school by a bully who was trying to kill me." _

_**Fuck.**_

"_And why did you do that?"_

"_Because he didn't like who I was."_

"_Sort of exactly what you're saying to me right now, isn't it? Look, I am searching okay?"_

_**But I think I already found who I'm searching for and it's you but I can't be with you because my Father wants to erase whatever evidence I have of being gay. **_

_**It's you. It was always you and I found you. **_

_**But you can't find me yet.**_

* * *

"Blaine, I'm so sorry."

"I'm used to it."

"I want to meet him."

"What?"

"Your Father. Phillip Anderson right?"

"You don't want to meet him."

"Yes I do."

"He'll probably ignore anything we both say and he'll cuss whenever one of us asks him to speak and he'll storm out the door the instant you dismiss him."

"I still want to meet him."

"You're making a mistake."

"We'll see about that."

* * *

"_Need a hand?"_

"_Can you lend me that carboy?"_

"_You knew which one it was."_

"_My Dad and I rebuilt a 59 Chevy in our driveway two summers ago. One of his many attempts at bonding."_

_**Because my Mom forced him to.**_

"_You here looking for parts?"_

_**Ha. Good one.**_

"_No, actually I'm here to talk to you about Kurt."_

"_Is he okay?"_

"_Have you ever talked to him about sex?"_

"_Are you gay, or straight, or what?"_

"_Definitely gay."_

"_Oh, okay, well whatever but good for Kurt. He needs someone like you to talk to."_

_**Can you adopt me.**_

"_Well that's kind of my point, I tried talking to him but whenever I try to talk to him he puts his fingers in his ears and starts singing."_

"_When he's ready, he'll listen." _

"_My Dad didn't build a car with me because he loves cars. He built one with me because he thought that maybe getting my hands dirty would make me straight. I don't have the relationship with my Dad like you do with Kurt and I thought it'd be really cool if you took advantage of that. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping."_

"_You are."_

_As Blaine walked away, he hoped he hadn't said too much. But when he saw Burt Hummel's thoughtful expression, he was glad he said what he said. Then at least Kurt wouldn't have to go through what he went through. _


	6. Mine

"So, we've had six sessions."

"Five and a half actually."

"How so?"

"I left halfway through the fourth one."

"Right."

Blaine fidgeted in his seat.

"Six sessions and you still haven't told me how you two officially got together."

"Prying are we?"

"I'm curious."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"Luckily I don't have any pets."

Blaine managed a grin.

"So do tell me."

"It started with a bird.

"A bird?"

"The death of one."

"Isn't this meant to be a happy story?"

"Our story isn't happy."

"Yes it is."

"In what way?"

"You loved him through the entire thing."

* * *

_Blaine was speechless. _

_He had never been speechless, not even when his father cut him off when he announced his sexuality, not even when he was punched senseless after his prom. _

_But now he was completely and utterly speechless. _

_He didn't know what caused his brain to stop thinking coherent thoughts and for his tongue to turn like sandpaper in his mouth. He didn't know if it was the black outfit that made Kurt look like the most beautiful person in the world, or the fact that he was singing one of Blaine's favorite songs with such raw emotion that he made Blaine want to rush over and hold him close. _

_And as he sat on the uncomfortably hard leather sofa in the council room and listened to the boy that lit up his life the moment he walked into it, that was when he realized it. _

_**I've been looking for you forever.**_

* * *

"So that was the moment."

"That was the moment."

"It's very sweet."

Blaine nodded, smiling softly.

"Did you two kiss?"

"That's none of your business."

Amanda raised a knowing eyebrow.

"Okay yes, we did."

She grinned spectacularly.

"You seem ecstatic over this."

"I am. I think you two are adorable."

"Except we're over now."

"Blaine…"

"I'm depressed and he's dead. He's left me, went to a place that I wish I could go to as well sometimes, so that I could hold him the way that I used to and feel his lips against my palm."

* * *

Sometimes Blaine felt angry. Angry at Kurt for leaving him, angry at Amanda who was breaking down the walls he had spent so long building, angry at his Mother for not understanding, angry at his Father for neglecting him, angry at himself because no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get over Kurt.

He would try letting his frustrations out in the gym, endlessly boxing; pretending that if he continued punching, Kurt would come back. He would go swimming, diving to the bottom of the pool and closing his eyes, letting the pressure of the water push against his ears and make his head swirl.

It was moments like that when he really felt Kurt around him, those moments at the bottom of the pool with the silence ringing in his ears and his body sinking but floating at the same time. The silence would be replaced by Kurt's angelic voice murmuring in his ear, the current of the water turning into warm arms wrapped around his torso, the pressure of the depth morphing into butterfly kisses on his neck.

And when his lungs would feel like they would burst any second and his eyes stung from the chlorine and his fingers felt wrinkled; he would surface, with the feeling of Kurt slipping away from him.

* * *

_Somewhere Only We Know was their song, Kurt and Blaine's. _

_It was the song Blaine sang to Kurt in the car, the song Kurt whispered in Blaine's ear when he said goodnight on the porch. It was the song Kurt hummed to Blaine as he massaged the tense muscles in his back when Blaine was particularly stressed out about a test. It was the song Blaine sang in the dark as he held a trembling Kurt trying to run from the nightmares that haunted him after Karofsky threatened to kill him. _

_Blaine wasn't the type of person who would sing such a personal song in front of a crowd of people he didn't know, nor was he the type who would sing to someone he liked in front of said crowd. But Kurt had changed Blaine, for the better, and Blaine knew that Kurt would've done the same to him. _

"_I'm never saying goodbye to you." _

_Six words that were murmured in Blaine's ear as they held each other tightly, as if their lives depended on it. Six words that were murmured in Blaine's ear as he clutched tightly onto Kurt's jacket and Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's waist. Six words that would mean so much at the moment and six words that would be just as meaningful in months from then. _

_Six words that Blaine didn't want to believe, because he didn't want to get his hopes up. He knew that Kurt was going to say goodbye, whether it be in a week or a year or even whispered when both were 95 and curled together in a bed, sharing their last breaths._

* * *

"Your Father's meant to be here today."

"I asked him to."

"Did he say yes?"

"He didn't say anything, he never does to me."

The door opened.

"Sorry I'm late."

"Mr Anderson, is it?"

"Phillip Anderson."

"Take a seat."

"I'm fine; I'll be leaving soon anyway."

Blaine looked at Amanda pointedly, as if to say _I told you so._

"Do you know why I asked Blaine to bring you in today?"

"No."

"He's told me about you."

"Oh has he? What has the little shit said about me now? Has he moaned about how I 'ruined his life' and 'ignore him on a daily basis' and all that crap?"

"Well-"

"Don't listen to him; he's just trying to get sympathy. Blaine _asked_ for this. He went off with his scum of a boyfriend, even though he was beaten up for having one in the first place but no, he never learns from his lessons. It's all about 'love'. Guess what, I don't give a fuck."

"Mr Anderson, your son is an extremely kind and polite young man-"

"Not now he isn't. Right now he's a depressed, quiet fuck-up."

"So help him."

"He's beyond help."

"You're his Father, you're meant to support him."

"Don't you fucking tell me what to do-"

"Don't talk to her like that."

"Excuse me Blaine?"

"Blaine, I can handle this."

"Look Dad, I'm fucking tired of you treating everyone like crap. I have done everything right. I have gotten the best grades and recovered from the prom experience. I have attended numerous performances and heck, even won a few trophies. But you don't give a shit about any of that because I'm gay. Well fucking _deal with it_ and start supporting me like a normal Father would."

The door slammed.

"I told you it would happen."

"He is, pleasant."

"Isn't he?"

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing for something that's not your fault. My boyfriend's dead, I still can't move on from him and my Father hates me."

"How are you so blunt with all this?"

"Because it's a fact."

"Well you want to know another fact?"

Amanda stood up from her desk and went to kneel in front of Blaine, placing her palm against Blaine's cheek where tears were slowly starting to roll down.

"Tell me something I don't know."

"You're going to be fixed. You're not broken Blaine. You're going to be fixed."


	7. Forgiveness

"_Eat your heart out Kate Middleton." _

_Blaine had never felt more proud of his boyfriend than at that very moment._

_There Kurt was, standing in front of the crowd of kids who had made his life a living hell with a crown on his head and eyes still slightly red from crying, delivering a witty one liner that made Blaine's heart smile. _

_This boy was really something else._

"_Now we hold the tradition of our 2011 Prom King and Queen having their first dance." _

_**Oh **_**shit. **

_It took all of Blaine's willpower not to punch Karofsky as he walked away from Kurt, who looked so lost as he stood alone on the dance floor. He saw Kurt's eyes darted around the room, looking for someone. _

_**He's looking for me. **_

_**But, I can't. Not after what happened before. Not after how it changed my Father.**_

_**He looks like he's about to cry. **_

"_Excuse me? May I have this dance?" _

_**The look on Kurt's face took all of Blaine's troubled thoughts away.**_

"_Yes, yes you may."_

* * *

"Let me get this straight. Even though you were beaten up last year for going to prom with another gay kid and even though your Father cut you off because of that and you had a concussion and bruises all over your face due to the beating up, you still asked him to dance with you. In front of a bunch of people you don't know."

"I guess so, yeah I did."

"Blaine Anderson, you are something else."

"He looked so frightened; I couldn't just leave him there."

"It amazes me how much you loved him."

"I still do Amanda."

* * *

"_I love you."_

_The words came out before Blaine could take them back. But to his surprise, he didn't regret those three words in the slightest, because he knew he meant it with all his heart. _

_Blaine had never said those three words to someone besides his parents before, not even whispered in the darkness to the boy who he took to prom that night he got beaten up. _

_But something about that very moment in the Lima Bean, with their shoes touching underneath the table and Kurt's eyes shimmering with excitement and the shade of blueish grey that he loved so much, made him say those three words. _

_In a few months, Kurt Hummel had captured Blaine Anderson so completely and had taken over every inch of his heart. _

"_I love you too." _

_**He loves me.**_

_**He loves me.**_

_**He loves me.**_

* * *

"Kurt wasn't even the slightest bit angry when he found out his Glee club didn't place?"

"He was a little upset of course, but it didn't get to him like it did to his other classmates. That's what I love so much about him: he always sees the bright side to everything. He was my light and he was like the sun, brightening up every room he went in."

"I'm glad you had him. You deserve to be loved."

"He deserved it too. I tried my best to give it him."

"He got it."

"Got what? The feeling of being loved or me?"

"Both."

"Blaine, I don't think you have the slightest idea of the impact you have on people."

"I don't."

"Let me show you."

"How?"

"You'll see next Tuesday."

* * *

"_I'm transferring."_

"_What?" _

"_I'm going to McKinley."_

"_Why does that name ring a bell?"_

"_It's Kurt's school." _

"_Why are you going?"_

"_Because I want to spend more time with him."_

"_Bullshit."_

"_Phillip, listen to Blaine talk-" _

"_You are not leaving Dalton."_

"_I signed the papers."_

"_Marian, did you agree to this?"_

"_I didn't like it."_

"_But you agreed."_

"_McKinley is a good school."_

"_We spent so much work and effort to place Blaine in Dalton and he's throwing it all away to join this stupid boy who's taken over his life."_

"_Kurt's not stupid."_

"_He bloody well is if he's making you do this." _

"_Phillip-"_

"_Blaine, you're not my son anymore."_

"_I never was."_

* * *

"Mom, I'm home."

"She went out."

"D-dad? Is that you?"

"I'm right here son, come to the living room."

Blaine sat down on the hard leather couch, trying to avoid his Father's eyes.

"I don't know where to start."

"You don't have to say anything at all, I'll just go to my room like I normally do okay it's not a big dea-"

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For neglecting you. For not holding you in the hospital after what happened at prom. For not threatening to kill the guys that beat you up. For not attending your performances. For not congratulating you on West Side Story. For not bringing you to football games or to greasy hamburger joints. For not being the Father that you deserve to have and for not loving you the way I should've."

"Dad."

"I'm not done yet. I shouldn't have cut you off. But just, seeing you there lying in the hospital bed with the harsh smell of medicine and antiseptic filling the room and your face covered in blue and black, I felt so helpless. I felt like I had let you down. When you came out, I was so _angry_. I knew what gay guys went through; I didn't want that to happen to you. I thought you had led yourself into a death trap. Seeing you in the hospital, both after that prom and with the eye patch, that just confirmed all my fears."

"But-"

"Blaine, for god's sake, I haven't talked to you properly in years. Just, just let me finish okay?"

"Okay."

"I was a fucking horrible Father. I didn't even attend Kurt's funeral. I know a million sorries won't take back how badly I treated you, so I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you and treating you how you deserve to be treated and trying to help you find every happiness. I love you Blaine, you're my son and you always will be."

Blaine hugged his Father for the first time in four years.

* * *

"We made it up."

"You and?"

"Me and my Father."

"Blaine, I'm so happy for you."

"I wish I could tell you about it."

"You're telling me now right?"

Dry lips pressed against knuckles.

"Do you still have the scarf I bought you?"

Soft red fabric appeared between Blaine's fingers.

"Of course darling."

"Kurt, do you think I'm mad?"

"Mad as a Hatter."

"This is not the time for Alice in Wonderland quotes."

"Well the maddest people are always the ones that love the most."

"I've given all my love to you."

"And I've given you mine in return."

"I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of you."

"Then don't."

The scarf flowed away from Blaine's grasp.


	8. Tragedy

"Amanda, sorry I'm late; my Mom got stuck in traffic."

"She isn't exactly the best driver."

"Wait, Nick?"

"Don't forget about me."

"Wes?"

"And me, white boy."

"Blaine, this is plain rude, you have to mention me as well."

"BLAINE!"

"God Blaine, we've missed you."

"You're looking well."

"Bit peaky."

"Obviously you haven't been eating."

"I can take you out for dumplings."

"Mike!"

"But Tina, everybody loves dumplings."

"Can you two shut up? We're here for Blaine, not for dumplings."

"Right! Sorry Quinn. Anyway Blaine, are you going to say anything?"

Blaine's breath was stolen from his throat as his eyes surveyed the people in front of him. There was Wes, Nick, Rachel, Mercedes, Mike, Tina and for some strange reason, there was Quinn. But the most peculiar thing was the black streaks and dots that covered their bodies, each person having the most amount of paint over their heart.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"I sent them."

"Amanda, you sent them?"

"We're here to show you that you're not forgotten by us."

"I know it's been rough Blaine, and we all miss Kurt."

"But we miss you as well."

"So we're here to help you and to show you that you're loved."

"Each streak and each splatter of paint on our skin and clothes show the places where you've touched us and moved us."

"You've moved all of us, right here."

And once Mike finished his sentence, they all moved their hands to the dark spot of paint over their heart in perfect unison.

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything at all."

Blaine didn't, he didn't have to say anything at all. They understood.

* * *

"Blaine?"

"Hi Nick. Where's Wes?"

"He had to go for an emergency family meeting."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's okay."

There was silence, except for Nick's uncomfortable shuffle and Blaine's fingers occasionally tapping out a melody on his knee.

"How've you been man? You're talking a lot more now, I mean more than before."

"I'm okay."

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."

The two of them shared a fleeting smile that tumbled out the door as quickly as it came in.

"I miss him too."

"Kurt?"

"Who else is there to miss?"

"Me."

"You're right here."

"You've only got half of me."

"Where's the other half?"

"With him."

"Kurt?"

"Who else would it be with?"

Kurt grazed his fingertips against Blaine's upturned wrist and Blaine closed his eyelids at the touch.

"I miss both of them."

"Kurt and my other half?"

"Kurt and my best friend."

* * *

_Roses._

_Kurt had given him roses._

_Red and yellow ones, the yellows tinged in pink near the top._

_Blaine had taken Kurt's part and Kurt had given him roses._

_"You always zig when I think you're about to zag, and I love that about you."_

_**I don't deserve you and I never will.**_

_But you still have him and he still has you, the roses seemed to whisper._

* * *

"Blaine, do you remember when I said I wanted to be a bird?"

Interlaced fingers and a kiss on his collarbone.

"Of course."

"I feel like I'm getting there, to being a bird."

"I don't see any wings darling."

"Silly. It's a slow process. You don't just suddenly _be_the bird. You feel the bird first; then you soar."

"How?"

"You slowly get lighter, clouds in your head and sunlight in your veins instead of blood. Then you glow and fly."

"Are you getting lighter?"

"More and more; I feel like I could float away."

"Don't. I'll miss you."

Kurt drew wings on Blaine's back with his fingertips, feather-light touches against skin.

"My feet can't stay on the ground forever."

"So what did you think of the surprise?"

"It was amazing. Amanda, you're amazing. Thank you so much for that."

"You needed to be reminded that you're loved. Every person deserves to be reminded that once in a while, you especially Blaine; and you are so loved."

Blaine got out of his chair and hugged her; Amanda patted his back and let a small tear fall onto Blaine's sweater.

"I made it up with my Father."

"Really? Blaine, I am so happy for you and so proud."

"Thank you."

"There's something still bothering you though, isn't there?"

"It seems like everyone can read me like an open book, except for me."

Amanda chortled and smiled gently, beckoning him to continue.

"I don't feel like I deserve him."

"Kurt?"

"Yeah."

"If this is about how you think you're not loved, I can bring your friends back again. I have a brand new bucket of paint in my garage-"

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"It's just that sometimes I feel like Kurt's this bright _something_, clouds in his head and sunlight in his veins instead of blood. Then there's me, trapped on the ground watching him spiral into the sky."

"Then fly with him."

"I'm chained."

"I think you're the one chaining him to the ground. Let him fly."

* * *

The nights when Blaine couldn't sleep, he would lie in his bed and pretend that he was lying on grass instead of fabric. He would pretend that he was in the little patch of grass behind the glen, the sun burning into his cheek and the blades of green staining his shirt.

Kurt would be next to him, his hair streaked with the sun's golden rays, his face ablaze from the sun. They would be surrounded by tossed-to-the-side candy wrappers from the caramel Hershey kisses that both of them loved so much and empty raisin boxes from Tesco.

Their eyes would be turned towards each other, shielded from the light.

* * *

"_It is, I'm just wondering if you ever had the urge to just rip off each other's clothes and get dirty?"_

_**Um, yes. **_

"_Uh, yeah, that's why they invented masturbations."_

_**Fuck, that wasn't meant to be said out loud. **_

"_It's so hot in this room, can we open a window or something." _

"_Hey I'm serious! We're young, we're in high school and we have urges but whatever we do, I want to make sure that you're comfortable, so I can be comfortable." _

_**Actually I'm terrified. I want to make sure everything's perfect for our first. I've never had a proper boyfriend, except for you and you mean so much to me and I want you to know that every day. I can't screw this up. **_

"_And besides tearing off all your clothes is sort of a tall order."_

"_Because of the layers?"_

"_Because of the layers." _

_**He's forcing a smile. **_

_**I'm doing this for you. **_

_**I am right? **_


	9. Lost

There's something about rain in the morning.

The pitter-patter of it on the sidewalk; gunshot in the dawn.

The sound of the pelts belting on to cement; bullets ricocheting.

And it's calm and its quiet, except for the sound of the rain and it's beautiful in a way nobody else can see.

The rain is Kurt with raindrops the bells of his laughter.

And Blaine can hear the bullets ricocheting and he can smell the freshness of the morning, he can feel the wetness on his skin and the tangy taste of it hovering on his tongue when he opens his mouth to the sky.

But the rain blurs Blaine's vision and he can't tell whether it's tears of salt or raindrops that fall down his cheeks at soft dawn on a Sunday morning.

* * *

"Hey Blaine."

"Mike! Hey, how's it going?"

"It's all good. How are you?"

"I'm, I'm okay."

"No seriously Blaine, how have you been? I haven't talked to you in months and I really miss you."

"I'm fine, really. And I missed you too."

"Oh and um, Blaine?"

"Yeah?"

"I know this is sort of sudden but can you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"Well actually can you do the favor with me?"

"What is it Mike?"

"I left my earphones at Kurt's house and I never got to get them back before he well, yeah."

A swallow at the mention of his name and the comforting brush Kurt's fingers against the fabric of his jeans.

"So I was wondering if you could come with me to Kurt's house. I know it's asking a lot but I don't want to go without you."

"I don't...actually okay. I'll come with you."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks man, this means a lot to me."

* * *

Blaine hadn't been in Kurt's house since he went over to watch _Moulin Rouge!_ two days before his death.

Blaine didn't know why he agreed to Mike's favor and as he stared out the window at the blur of the trees racing by, he still didn't really know.

Maybe it was so that he could walk back into the place that had become second home to him, touch the things Kurt had touched. Maybe it was so that Blaine could go to Kurt's room and lose himself in the memories the room carried.

"Blaine, we're here."

"Oh."

"Are you ready?"

"No. But better now than never."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

When Blaine took his steps into the Hummel-Hudson household, the sheer number of memories hit Blaine as if he had slammed into a brick wall.

That was the sofa where he and Kurt had cuddled on whilst watching _Pleasantville_. That was the counter that Kurt had sat on when he was telling Blaine a story about Finn and Rachel that made him laugh out loud. That was the chair that Kurt had sat on and rolled his eyes at Blaine who was licking the batter off the mixer when they were making cookies for Valentine's Day.

Kurt was everywhere.

Blaine had stopped walking and remained glued to the doormat, eyes darting around the house and seeing Kurt's shadow in each corner of the room.

"Blaine, are you okay? Kurt's parents are out today but they knew I was coming which was why they left the spare pair of keys in the rubber plant outside. I'm going to go look for my earphones and you can do whatever okay? Shout if you need me."

Blaine nodded numbly and Mike patted him on the back before scampering off to look for his earphones.

* * *

He knew it was going to be bad but he didn't know it was going to be this bad.

He didn't know that when he went into the room, it would still smell like Kurt (a woody but fresh scent that Blaine could bury himself in) or that the room would look as if Kurt had simply gone out for a walk for a few minutes.

He didn't know that a sob would escape from his lips and his knees would tremble and he would get the feeling that the walls would close around him and the floor was spinning underneath his feet.

He didn't know that he would run to Kurt's bed and nuzzle into the pillows that despite three months of being left alone still smelt like Kurt, and find the fabric turn damp due to the tears falling down his face.

He didn't know that he would lie in Kurt's bed with the lights still switched off, hands clutching the blanket that he had wrapped himself in; trying to stop his heart from shattering to pieces.

"Blaine? Are you okay?"

"The room looks exactly like you left it."

"I never left."

Blaine found himself wrapped in a pair of arms and he let the tears melt into Kurt's shoulder.

"I always thought we would have our first time here, in this very room."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I don't really know why. I mean we had our second here…and our third…"

Despite the tears, a chuckle slipped from Blaine's lips and he punched Kurt in the arm playfully.

"There's just something about this place, we've had so many memories here."

Blaine nodded into Kurt's neck.

"I'm never saying goodbye to you Blaine."

"I wish you would."

Kurt dropped his arms away from Blaine and Blaine instantly felt cold.

"No, it's not that I don't love you. It's just that, loving you, it's so fucking difficult. You have no idea how hard it is for me right now. My mother thinks I'm crazy, my friends think there's something wrong with me. I want to let you go Kurt. But I fucking can't and it's so fucking hard. It's so fucking hard loving you because you don't love me back."

"I do love you."

"But you don't, because you're-"

Blaine couldn't say it. He couldn't say it out loud, because saying it out loud meant that it was true and he wasn't ready to face that yet.

"Blaine-"

Blaine flinched away from Kurt's touch and stumbled off the bed. His heart was pounding in his ears and his thoughts were racing and he felt so _lost_ and it felt like the parts where Kurt touched him burned with bright consuming flames and it was suffocating him.

So Blaine ran, sprinted out the room and to the door, running past Mike's curious cries and bolting outside and running and running and running.

He didn't know where.

He doesn't think he'll ever know.


End file.
